Thursday, April 21, 2011

Come Gather Round Thumby Wherever You Roam

I have been decidedly less ranty these days. I think the reason is I've had a lot on my mind. I'm getting ready to make a major move in a few months, my health isn't as good as it has been, and I just feel like there is a lot more to worry about with my own life. I just haven't had the drive or desire to just get mad at insignificant things. However, that doesn't mean that insignificant things don't still piss the hell out of me and bottle up over time. THE BOTTLE HAS TO BURST! THE SHIT NEEDS TO COME OUT! AND WHEN IT DOES IT'S TIME FOR (trumpets and horns and shit playing fanfare) A THUMBY!!! I happen to have 3 for today. Enjoy.

1. Fat Dude At The Post Office - Hey man, could you do me a solid favor? Could you please, FOR ALL THAT IS DECENT AND GOOD IN THE WORLD, take that five bucks that you were going to use to buy Baconnaise (actual product) and Oreos, and buy a belt? You really need one. Yes, I know you think Baconnaise is tasty, and when you spread it on the Oreos you can actually hear your arteries screaming from inside your body in much the same way a live lobster squeals when you put it in boiling water. However, here's the thing. Your ENTIRE ASS is hanging out of the back of your pants. The whole thing. A harvest moon. There is nothing left to the imagination, just the rolling red of your Fruit of Loom's barely clinging to your massive hamhocks and the crack of your ass poking out of the top like a smelly volcano. I couldn't help but overhear you talking to someone on the phone about someone's pregnant girlfriend, and that "just being how pregnant women are." How would you know? Who have you ever gotten pregnant? Is this how you get them, standing in a "spank me" position with your massive red ass hanging out of you shorts? Do the ladies drip when they see your crack poking out the top? Do you cock your eyebrow like James Bond and use pick up lines like, "Play your cards right and you might get to see the rest of my smell canyon."? FIX THAT SHIT, MAN! And until you do, please accept this Thumby.

2. Lightning Strikes Twice - Going from my apartment to the store, or to get gas, or to really anywhere, takes a great deal of patience due in large part to the people who dwell in the apartments in my complex. The Northpark apartments are really dominated by two social groups of people - black people and white trash - and any given day the activity of choice for both these demographics is to stand outside by their cars, drink, smoke weed, and play loud music, oh and also yell. If it weren't so fucking obnoxious to live next to, I would say it was good, from a racially standpoint, to see two diametrically opposed forces commingling together in drunken, stoned to the ba-jesus belt, harmony. But they just stand outside all day, everyday, and not just some of these people. A lot of them do. What the fuck are they doing all day? How boring does your life have to be that you would rather stand outside all day by your car drinking and smoking pot? Sure, the drinking and smoking pot might be fun, but all day? We're talking like 10-12 hours these people are outside. Anyway, I digress. So, any time I have to leave my apartment to go some place, it's like trying to navigate my car through the crowded streets of New Delhi. You never know when someone is just going to back out of their parking spot full speed with little regard to who or what might be behind them (probably because their back window is blocked by trash bags filled with dirty clothes...and really...why waste precious Twinkee calories moving those?). You never know when some drunk idiot is going to just walk out into the street from behind a car, or when a stupid child is going to run out in front of you. Getting out of the complex is a tangled adventure a lot of times.

So...Sunday. I leave to buy duct tape and because I wanted some food, so I decided I would have to go to Wal-Mart for these things. I'm slowly traversing the curve of the street inside my complex when I happen upon a group of white trash and black people (probably 7-10) all drinking Old English Malt Liquor (I wish I was kidding about that) and standing IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD! And here's the thing...they saw me driving up way before I happened upon their little Pow-Wow, and did they move out of the way like normal, rational thinking people? Fuck no! Instead, they waited until my car was about 3 feet from the perimeter of their little booze social, all stopped talking to me, and stared at me like I was some sort of moron. I'm the moron, for driving my car in the road where they were standing. Me. Clearly, I didn't pay attention in school when they taught us that roads are for standing in the middle of and for having booze and weed parties with your homies and Aryan brothers. Clearly I failed to heed my mother's advice when she taught me the three lessons of life - always take a jacket, chew with your mouth closed, and stare viciously at motorists when they want you to move out of the street. I'm the moron. It's a fact. So, you can see this situation irritated me somewhat, but I was alright when I finally got around them and was on my way to Wal-Mart.

So, I get into the Wal-Mart parking lot and I'm looking for a place to park. Now, my Wal-Mart has stop signs, and I heed them. I've heard conflicting reports about whether or not parking lot stop signs are actually something you need to obey, but I heed them because there are too many stupid drivers out there who don't know the precise ballet that is parking lot etiquette. So there I am, camped at a parking lot stop sign, a two way stop, and an SUV is oncoming. The SUV has the right of way, it can just go on through the intersection, or turn, or fly away, or combust. Whatever, it's up to the driver because they have the right of way. Well, this idiot didn't do any of those things because apparently they flunked Eyes and Eye School, and they decided that the two way stop should be a four way stop. To make matters worse, this genius starts waving me through, and is getting annoyed at me because I'm not moving. After about 30 seconds of frantic waving the driver finally gets fed up and blows through the intersection. WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE DO THIS? This happens to me all the time. I'm at a two way stop, the oncoming car pulls to a stop and waves me through. Why? If I were a cop I would pull that person over and ticket them for not knowing a simple road rule. It's so so so irritating, but again I digress.

So after the genius driver pulls through the intersection, I pull through the stop and turn left into an aisle, and what should I see when I get there? A group of teenage girls and some adults standing in the middle of the fucking road talking with each other like it's an ice cream social, and once again, the entire group turns around, glares at me like I'm a child molester, and walks away slowly. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

So anyway, to these two separate groups of people and to the Einstein of stop signs, I have a bird on one hand and a Thumby on the other. Go fuck yourselves!

3. To Everyone In The World Right Now - Shut up. Seriously, just shut the hell up. I am tired of hearing your problems. You all think you're victims, that life is somehow slighting you, that everyone else should be feeding you grapes off a silver platter. I have news for you - shut the hell up. You're not mutually exclusive. You're not a target, a victim, and no one is slighting you. Everyone has problems. Today people lost jobs. Today people lost someone they love. Today someone found out they were sick. Today someone found out they were going to lose a house, or a car, or a limb. The world is a long chain of suck and we're bound by it. Stop throwing yourself a pity party, stop trying to get other people to solve your problems because I guarantee you those other people have problems too. Above all, just do what I do. Suck it up, get out of bed, and get the fuck on with it. Until then, suck on this Thumby, leave me alone, and shut the hell up.

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