Moms

So, yesterday was Mother's Day, and I meant to write a post about it, but as it turns out I am a very very forgetful person a lot of the time. I just have to say that I probably have one of the best Mom's in the history of Mom's. I mean, I am not a Mom Scientist by any means, but mine is pretty awesome. I was thinking about her yesterday, and all the bullshit she's had to put up with raising my sisters and I, and I realized how amazing it is that she was able to pull us all into adulthood while still retaining some semblance of sanity. As I thought about my mother, and the job she did raising me, I also realized that most of where I am, and who I am, as an adult can be credited to her and the way she approached motherhood. I then thought what better way to honor my mother but to give examples of how her approach to motherhood has molded me. My mom's approach to motherhood can be reduced down three key elements: lying, nagging, and letting her children fail at things. I know what you're thinking - this sounds pretty awful - but the truth is that all three of these elements have played a major role in my growth into adulthood. I may not have liked her application of these elements when I was younger, but I can tell you, as an adult, I love her for them.

01. Lying - Yes, my mother lied to me, and she did it all the time. And guess what...so did yours. Some would say this makes my mother, or your mother, awful, but in truth, I love my mom for it. I'm a firm believer that: a) some people (especially kids) don't always need to know the truth about something; and b) that if you can lie to someone and get good behavior out of them then it's not a horrible thing.

On the first point, I believe kids should be kids. It's alright to speak to a child like they're an adult, and in some aspects treat the like an adult, but you should always remember they aren't adults. Truth can be a harsh thing, and there are many adults who can't even cope with it. A child's biggest fear should be getting their homework done and deciding whether they want chocolate milk or Kool-Aid with their cookies. So when reality hits the home, and hits it hard, parents, for the most part, should lie to their children, or at the very least bend the truth.

When I was a kid, and in the hospital, I knew I wasn't just sick. I was really sick, and what I was going through was serious. But even in my situation, which was pretty dire, I never knew the extent of my illness. I knew I had Leukemia, and I knew the tests and procedures I had to go through were supposed to help me get better. Beyond that, I didn't know much, and whenever I saw my mom and dad all I saw on their faces was strength...not fear. After my bone-marrow transplant, and throughout the years of my remission, my mother (and my father too) never let me think I couldn't do something, and they never let me think I was any different than any other kid on the playground. The truth is that all of this was a lie. When I first got sick my situation was so dire that my likelihood of surviving a year was very small (like under 10%). And after the transplant, and remission, and miracles I was different than the other kids...a lot different.

Were these such horrible lies for my mother (and father) to perpetuate? What if they had told me I was going to die as a child? Should they have treated me as different and put me in classes with the different kids? I love my mother (and father) for maintaining these lies. If I would have known at six that I was probably going to die then I probably would have given up right then and there. As it was, I had a childhood (be it a weird one). I played with my toys, and drew pictures, and read books, and laughed like a child who is unaware of the wolves that surround him. And as for believing myself to be no different than the kids at my school...well, that's translated to my life a thousand times over. Who knows if I would have had the drive to go to college, or get a job, or move out on my own, or end up in law school if this lie hadn't been perpetuated on my behalf. Yes, sometimes lies aren't so bad, and my mother knew this.

As for the second point, here is a story for you. When I was three years old I had spent the afternoon at my grandma's house. When my mom got their to pick me up I was in the middle of playing with building blocks. She told me I needed to pick up my blocks and get ready to go. I didn't want to, and a power struggle ensued. After some arguing my mother told me if I didn't pick up the blocks she was going to call the Mean Farm and they were going to come and haul me off.

Before I go on some background - The Mean Farm was a made up place my mom routinely referred to when she wanted us to do something like pick up clothes, or toys, or whatever. Also, at this age I had an irrational fear of dump trucks, and had once asked if there were dump trucks at the mean farm. Mom, knowing my fear of dump trucks just frowned and said, "All over the place." So, the Mean Farm was something that struck fear in my 3 year old head.

Normally, the idea of going to the Mean Farm would scare the hell out of me, but today I was going to be brave, and decided to resist. So my mother picked up the phone and dialed (what I didn't know is that she was calling her friend Starla who was routinely the receptionist at the Mean Farm. Starla thought my mother was horrible for doing this).

"Hello," Mom said. "Is this the Mean Farm? Yeah, we got a little boy here that won't pick up his blocks. You want to talk to him. Okay."

Mom handed me the phone. "Hello?"

"Little boy," said the gruff voice. "You pick up those blocks and mind your mother or we're going to come get you!"

So of course I pictured the Mean Farm people coming to haul me off in a big scary dump truck, and that was enough to get me to pick up my blocks. It would be years before I would defy my mother again.

02. Nagging - I think we can all agree that mom's nag...and nag...and nag...and nag until the point that we don't think we can take it anymore. Throughout my life I endured a barrage of nags ranging from "Did you take the trash out like I told you?" to "How in the hell do you lose a pair of shoes? How does that even happen?" And my god did I hate it! I hated all of it! I rolled my eyes, huffed, groaned, and sarcastically answered each nagging question (which always resulted in a glare that could cut a diamond). One nag in particular that I always hated was "Be sure to take a jacket." My mom always told me to be sure and take a jacket with me wherever I was going. I could've been going to see a movie on the sun, and my mom would say, "Be sure to take a jacket with you." A jacket? Really, Mom? Surely she must have realized how much of a hassle a jacket is to carry around, especially if you're going somewhere heated. I would debate her on this issue until the cows came home, but she would always shake her head and say, "You never know what the weather is going to be like. Get a jacket."

Once, I remember fighting her on the jacket issue until I bore her down. "The weather never does what you think it's going to do, and there I am, the only idiot with a jacket." "Fine," she responded, "go without. I don't care." As you might guess, the one time I did not take a jacket with me to where I was going was the one time a sudden cold snap popped up out of nowhere, and I yearned for my jacket. When I got home from my plans, my mother knew what had happened, but she didn't say anything. She just cracked this wise ass grin and asked me if I had a good time. From that point on I never went anywhere without a jacket, and I still don't. Now, at an older age I realize that when my mother told me to take a jacket with me she was really telling me to always be prepared. I really think this idea of being prepared is the essence of motherly nagging, and when we're young we just fail to see it.

03. Set Up For Failure - When I was ten years old I told my mom I had some clothes that needed washing. Up until I was that age she had done my laundry. She looked at me and told me to do it myself. I'd never done laundry before, and when I told her I didn't know how, she asked me if I could read, and if I could follow directions. When I answered yes then she said, "Well, the directions are on the washer for what to do. You can figure it out." She told me to be sure to separate everything into colors - jeans, darks, lights, whites, etc. I'd seen mom do this separation thing a million times, but it always seemed like a lot of effort. My load wasn't that big? Why waste all that water and soap on several small loads? Well my underwear turned pink and so did some of my socks, and when I told my mom about it she said, "Yeah, that's why you have to separate things." This is just one of a whole laundry list (no pun intended) of things my mother has let me fail at. There have been several things I've cooked that have ended in failure and several activities I've tried that have ended in failure, and my mom has let me try to do each thing my way first before offering advice. This simple gesture on her part has probably prepared me for life better than anything for a couple of reasons.

First, it's made me more open minded. I'm not so stubborn that I won't entertain the advice of someone else. I know that I'm fallible enough that the way I think something should be done might not be the best way for something to be done. I can take someone's advice, look at it rationally, and decide if it's something I want to do or not. A lot of people have a problem doing this, and I'm willing to bet it's because their mother's were quick to offer advice and less willing for their children to fail. Failure is actually a good thing, which takes me to my second point. If you're always used to success and have never failed then you're probably miserable. No one gets the right answer every time and not everyone can hit a home run every time they step to the plate. No one gets an A on every test, and no one gets something on the first try. Failure is what we learn from, and success is what we enjoy. This is something I've been able to glean from a simple gesture by my mother, and it's probably the greatest lesson I've ever learned.

In closing, I leave you with the image of the baby sea turtle crawling toward the sea. Its mother, like all mothers, has tried her best to give her offspring the strength to get passed the circling birds and into the bosom of the ocean.

Our world is a world of circling birds. My mother nagged, lied, and let me fail into strength, and now I am in the ocean, and I love her for it. To all the current and future mothers out there, try taking a page from Lindy Gipson's book on mothering. Your kids might just love you for it later.

Under The Covers - My Ten Favorite Covers Songs

10. Ray Charles performs Ring of Fire (Johnny Cash) on the Johnny Cash Show. This song proves, yet again, that Ray Charles can add a level of soul and passion to any song and elevate it to a new height. I love to watch the way his body moves, especially the feet.

09. We're going to stay on Cash for a second. I remember when I first saw the video for Johnny Cash's cover of Hurt (Trent Reznor). I was awe struck. It was remarkable how Cash interpreted the song and sort of made it his own, the sombre way he delivered it to us. You knew this was a man who recognized his own fate, and was greeting it with such a solemn dignity. I find myself, even now, watching this with a hopeless heart. It's tragic and perfect in one package.

08. Here Keb Mo covers my favorite Robert Johnson tune, and he keeps it simple and very close to original. That is to say, he doesn't ruin it. Here's Love In Vain (Robert Johnson)

07. I like it sometimes when bands take liberties with a cover song. Here Death Cab For Cutie does just that with Rockin Chair (The Band). I love this song because it reminds me of some pretty good times working at Hastings, but also because of the part at the end where the line "Oh to be home again!" is sang over and over. Very powerful.

06. Cat Power did a cover of Fortunate Son (C.C.R.). I'm not a huge C.C.R. fan, but Cat Powers voice couples with this salty blues piano makes this a very very good cover.

05. Bonnie Prince Bill does an R. Kelly song? Fuck yes he does! And he does it better than R. Kelly ever could. I love this song for a lot of reasons (mainly because it reminds me of Hole In The Wall), but I especially love the person who did the video for this song...very clever. Here's The World's Greatest (R. Kelly).

04. It takes a lot of balls for someone to cover Jimi Hendrix and to do it well. SRV not only pulls it off, but does arguably a better job than Hendrix. Here's Voodoo Chile Slight Return (Jimi Hendrix).

03. A lot of people have covered Dylan and covered Dylan very well, but I think of all of them this is my favorite - Stevie Wonder doing Blowin in the Wind. There is a lot of talking before the singing starts...just skip to 3:00 and you'll be fine. Here is Stevie Wonder with Blowin in the Wind (Bob Dylan).

02. My friend Paul Nelson posted this song earlier tonight. He defied anyone to feel bitter after listening to it. It's one of those covers that elevates the original version to another place that we didn't expect or think of, like a change in conversation. I think Iz's voice is fucking beautiful, and his uke is masterful. If it wasn't for the next song I would say it was my favorite cover of all time. Here is Israel Kamakawiwo'ole with Over The Rainbow (Arlen/Harburg)

01. There are very few covers that I think are better than the original. This is one, and I'm not going to say much about it, only that it takes me to some very emotional places because it's a son that definitely has some memories attached to it, and because the singer's voice, mixed with the lone electric guitar, is so haunting. In fact at one point toward the end he hits a note while singing and holds it for what seems like forever. I could live in that forever. Here is Jeff Buckley with Hallelujah (Leonard Cohen).

Songwriting Spank Material - "I Need You"

I remember about ten years ago when cable internet and DSL became available to more households the internet saw an influx in file sharing, and they did it with a service called KaZaa. Yes, KaZaa. Remember this one? This was after Napster and before Limewire and the introduction of torrents. There was a seedy underbelly to the internet where people shared all kinds of files with each other - mp3, movies, porn, document files, computer programs. If it could be ripped or sent over wires you could share it, and I was in the midst of it. It was in this seedy underbelly that I found the artist I want to talk about tonight. I was searching for Bob Dylan mp3 files. My hope was that I could find some rare bootlegs that only a few people had access too. In those days (I think it's weird that I'm using that term to describe file sharing as if I were trying to describe rotary phones to someone whose never seen one) the search parameters weren't that good. You pretty much typed in the artist and waded through the result. I remember during all my Dylan searches seeing this one file pop up over and over again - "Chelsea Hotel/Don't Think Twice It's Alright Cover." I had just discovered Leonard Cohen and thought to myself, "Did Dylan do a show where he covered "Chelsea Hotel No. 2" by Leonard Cohen?" I downloaded it only to find out it wasn't Dylan. It was someone who sounded like Dylan singing a song they'd written called "Chelsea Hotel" and then going into a cover of "Don't Think Twice It's Alright." Later I would find out the artist's name - Dan Bern.

Who the hell is Dan Bern? This is a question you're no doubt asking. Trust me. I asked myself that same question when I discovered that very first song file. The truth is he is amazing. In fact, I have been saying for the past ten years that he is the best songwriter you've probably never heard of, and I still stand by that assessment. As it turns out, has been around for awhile. His first album - Dan Bern - came out in 1997, and he currently has 16 albums and EP's to his credit. His first album and another album - Fleeting Days - are two of my favorite albums of all time, and it is a song from Fleeting Days that I wish to showcase here today. Dan Bern is a songwriter who wears the comedy and tragedy mask. He can sing a song that can make you laugh like "Lightning Jazz" and then he can turn right around and floor you with a song like "God Said No" and absolutely floor you. He has a lot of great songs to choose from, but the one I want to talk about is a simple little tune from Fleeting Days called "I Need You."

There is a term fiction writers throw around a lot called "in medias res" which means "in the middle of things." The idea for writers is that a good story should put the reader in the middle of the action from the beginning. Build up will just bore and confuse a reader. From a songwriting standpoint, this little song by Dan Bern probably does this better than any song I've ever heard. The first few lines of the song put us in the moment and mood that he is trying to convey - "Walking around the happiest place in the world, but all I do wonder is if your hair's still curled. South of Brownsville Texas, South of Miami Beach, all it means to me is that you're further out of reach. Everywhere, sand and sun, blue sky water too. I need you." Instantly we know the problem. He's somewhere away from someone he cares about and it's making him miserable, and the rest of the song builds on the theme. It's actually very clever and brilliant. I also like this song because it is a "someone song." It's a "someone song" for Dan Bern, and it's a "someone song" for me. Around the time I discovered this song I had a relationship with someone and got hurt. This is a song that definitely delivers me back to that time and stirs in me a wide array of emotions. Most people run from songs like this, but I think of it more like I'm looking through old pictures and reflecting on my journey toward today. Some lines of note include the one I quoted earlier and also: "The last plane out of Saigon did not know that it was," and the penultimate line, "Sometimes you get lost and find something new." Such a great song that I wish I'd written.

Here is Dan Bern with "I Need You."

Things People Assume I Like But I Really Don't Pt. 3

That's right. I don't like Kevin Smith. I'm not saying I virally hate Kevin Smith like I virally hate Dave Matthews Band...I just don't like him...and it isn't for lack of trying on my part. At one time I owned all the movies. I read some of the comics he wrote for. I even went and saw Kevin Smith live when he came to Springfield. And some of it I even liked. I laughed when Jay would make some grotesque sexual innuendo. I found his comic book writing style interesting. I even thought he spun a good yarn when I saw him live. But as much as I laughed I always came away from each Kevin Smith experience questioning myself. "Is this really that good?" I would wonder. "Is Dogma really as clever as I think it is?" I'd ask myself again. "Is Kevin Smith a genius?" I never gave these questions too much thought. I just went about my life thinking that Kevin Smith must be a genius or else everyone would hate him. Then two things would happen and all that would change.

One Sunday at Dungeons and Dragons, a conversation was hatched. We were discussing the recently released Clerks II (which I didn't care for). Two of my friends, who hated Kevin Smith anyway, were ragging about the film, saying it was the same Kevin Smith bullshit all his movies hang their hat on - dick jokes, fart jokes, and Jay and Silent Bob. Another friend, who was a Smith fanatic, loved the film and said the dick jokes, fart jokes, and Jay and Silent Bob were exactly the reasons why it and Smith were great. I listened to the argument unfold and at the end I had to side with my friends who hated Kevin Smith because I believe they were dead on with the Kevin Smith Movie Formula, that ultimately they rely on dick jokes, fart jokes, and Jay and Silent Bob.

Don't get me wrong. I like a good dick joke, and I love a good fart joke, but I don't necessarily think they make for strong comedy. Groucho Marx gave an interview on the Dick Cavett Show in 1971 and in it he talks about the use of vulgarity in Hollywood. Basically, Groucho says that anyone can go on stage and say something dirty and get a laugh, and that it takes a true comedian to get a laugh with a clean joke. Here's the interview:

I actually agree with this. I think there are a lot of great comedians who use vulgarity in their acts, but at the end of the day I don't think they're as strong from a comedic standpoint as Bill Cosby, or Steve Martin, or Red Skelton, or Justin Wilson, or Jack Benny (the list goes on). For me, Kevin Smith's use of vulgarity is good for a laugh, but it's a cheap laugh, and I can't call him a genius for that. As for Jay and Silent Bob...I see them as a crutch. Kevin Smith has said on many occasions that he would like to start making films without this duo, and in fact tried once with Jersey Girl which was a flop. So how did Smith follow-up his flop? Another movie with Jay and Silent Bob is how. I'm not against using gimmicks to make money. If you have a product that makes money and you want to exploit that product to make money then go for it! I would probably do the same if I had a gimmick that people were into. However, again, I can't call doing that genius because to me it goes back to that "too easy thing." It's too easy for Smith to throw Jay and Silent Bob into a film and give them a huge array of dick jokes and fart jokes. He knows their presence is going to bring people out to the theater and sell tickets. This is not genius...it's just savvy business sense.

So is Kevin Smith a genius? Is he one of the best directors in Hollywood? Well, I don't think so, but if you talk to any Kevin Smith fanatic, and ask them to name off the best directors in Hollywood, Kevin Smith's name will almost always come up next to names like Spielberg, Scorsese, Coppola, Kubrick, and others, and they get so mad if you disagree with their assessment. Ultimately, what I think wins the argument is Smith's own assessment of himself. He has admitted time and time again that he is just making movies about dick and fart jokes and that being compared with the best directors in Hollywood is probably a hasty judgment. Anyway, that about does it for my latest installment of Things People Assume I Like But I Really Don't. Now bring on the hate!

Songwriting Spank Material - "Love Is All"

On May 24 of this year a man named Robert Zimmerman will turn 70 years old. You might know him by another name - Bob Dylan. Ten years ago when Dylan turned 60 years old the music community realized something it hadn't considered - Bob Dylan is getting older and one day he will die, and there will be a void in the world of songwriting. I heard a debate shortly after his 60th birthday. The subject was simple - Who is Bob Dylan's heir apparent? And everyone had an opinion. Some went with more mainstream choices - Bruce Springsteen and Tom Petty. Others had less mainstream ideas - Sarah McLachlan and Connor Oberst. I heard people try to make a case for Billy Corgan and Elliot Smith. I, myself, thought I'd discovered the next Dylan in a little known songwriter named Dan Bern (who I still contend is the best songwriter you've never heard of). Then one day, my good friend Clint e-mailed me about a songwriter he'd come across that I needed to check out. Clint has never disappointed me with a musical suggestion. The songwriter's name is Kristian Matsson, and he performs under the name The Tallest Man On Earth, and I can tell you, without a doubt, he is the next Bob Dylan.

The Tallest Man on Earth has two albums - Shallow Graves and The Wild Hunt - and every single song on them is not just good, but brilliant. I could do a Song Writing Spank Material blog for all of them, and in particular: "The Blizzard's Never Seen The Desert Sands," "I Won't Be Found," "Pistol Dreams," "Shallow Grave," "The Wild Hunt," and "Burden of Tomorrow". However, I decided to be really disciplined about this and decided to narrow my choices down to one song. This was an incredibly hard thing for me to so because I think a lot of these songs are equally brilliant, but one I kept coming back to was "Love Is All."

Again, I don't know that "Love Is All" is necessarily the best song in The Tallest Man On Earth's arsenal, but it's a major player, and it has a lot of great songwriting elements. The first thing that strikes me about this song is the chord progression and the over all style of the guitar. It's very different from a lot of The Tallest Man On Earth's stuff. It's more subdued and plays around with more minor chord changes than in most of his other stuff. The second thing is his vocals. He plays around with a hook at the end of each verse "w-hoa-oh-oh," "si-i-i-in," and so forth. These phrases bounce with the acoustic guitar. Then as he says the word "rise" he lets us see his vocal range and the song builds from there, and it builds wonderfully. So the guitar is interesting, the vocal phrasing is diverse, and oh yes...the lyrics are amazing. That first line where he says, "I walk upon the river 'cause it's easier than land," is a line I can truly say I wish was mine. I could go on and on about how great this song is, but I'll let you listen for yourself. Here is The Tallest Man On Earth with "Love Is All."

Come Gather Round Thumby Wherever You Roam

I have been decidedly less ranty these days. I think the reason is I've had a lot on my mind. I'm getting ready to make a major move in a few months, my health isn't as good as it has been, and I just feel like there is a lot more to worry about with my own life. I just haven't had the drive or desire to just get mad at insignificant things. However, that doesn't mean that insignificant things don't still piss the hell out of me and bottle up over time. THE BOTTLE HAS TO BURST! THE SHIT NEEDS TO COME OUT! AND WHEN IT DOES IT'S TIME FOR (trumpets and horns and shit playing fanfare) A THUMBY!!! I happen to have 3 for today. Enjoy.

1. Fat Dude At The Post Office - Hey man, could you do me a solid favor? Could you please, FOR ALL THAT IS DECENT AND GOOD IN THE WORLD, take that five bucks that you were going to use to buy Baconnaise (actual product) and Oreos, and buy a belt? You really need one. Yes, I know you think Baconnaise is tasty, and when you spread it on the Oreos you can actually hear your arteries screaming from inside your body in much the same way a live lobster squeals when you put it in boiling water. However, here's the thing. Your ENTIRE ASS is hanging out of the back of your pants. The whole thing. A harvest moon. There is nothing left to the imagination, just the rolling red of your Fruit of Loom's barely clinging to your massive hamhocks and the crack of your ass poking out of the top like a smelly volcano. I couldn't help but overhear you talking to someone on the phone about someone's pregnant girlfriend, and that "just being how pregnant women are." How would you know? Who have you ever gotten pregnant? Is this how you get them, standing in a "spank me" position with your massive red ass hanging out of you shorts? Do the ladies drip when they see your crack poking out the top? Do you cock your eyebrow like James Bond and use pick up lines like, "Play your cards right and you might get to see the rest of my smell canyon."? FIX THAT SHIT, MAN! And until you do, please accept this Thumby.

2. Lightning Strikes Twice - Going from my apartment to the store, or to get gas, or to really anywhere, takes a great deal of patience due in large part to the people who dwell in the apartments in my complex. The Northpark apartments are really dominated by two social groups of people - black people and white trash - and any given day the activity of choice for both these demographics is to stand outside by their cars, drink, smoke weed, and play loud music, oh and also yell. If it weren't so fucking obnoxious to live next to, I would say it was good, from a racially standpoint, to see two diametrically opposed forces commingling together in drunken, stoned to the ba-jesus belt, harmony. But they just stand outside all day, everyday, and not just some of these people. A lot of them do. What the fuck are they doing all day? How boring does your life have to be that you would rather stand outside all day by your car drinking and smoking pot? Sure, the drinking and smoking pot might be fun, but all day? We're talking like 10-12 hours these people are outside. Anyway, I digress. So, any time I have to leave my apartment to go some place, it's like trying to navigate my car through the crowded streets of New Delhi. You never know when someone is just going to back out of their parking spot full speed with little regard to who or what might be behind them (probably because their back window is blocked by trash bags filled with dirty clothes...and really...why waste precious Twinkee calories moving those?). You never know when some drunk idiot is going to just walk out into the street from behind a car, or when a stupid child is going to run out in front of you. Getting out of the complex is a tangled adventure a lot of times.

So...Sunday. I leave to buy duct tape and because I wanted some food, so I decided I would have to go to Wal-Mart for these things. I'm slowly traversing the curve of the street inside my complex when I happen upon a group of white trash and black people (probably 7-10) all drinking Old English Malt Liquor (I wish I was kidding about that) and standing IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD! And here's the thing...they saw me driving up way before I happened upon their little Pow-Wow, and did they move out of the way like normal, rational thinking people? Fuck no! Instead, they waited until my car was about 3 feet from the perimeter of their little booze social, all stopped talking to me, and stared at me like I was some sort of moron. I'm the moron, for driving my car in the road where they were standing. Me. Clearly, I didn't pay attention in school when they taught us that roads are for standing in the middle of and for having booze and weed parties with your homies and Aryan brothers. Clearly I failed to heed my mother's advice when she taught me the three lessons of life - always take a jacket, chew with your mouth closed, and stare viciously at motorists when they want you to move out of the street. I'm the moron. It's a fact. So, you can see this situation irritated me somewhat, but I was alright when I finally got around them and was on my way to Wal-Mart.

So, I get into the Wal-Mart parking lot and I'm looking for a place to park. Now, my Wal-Mart has stop signs, and I heed them. I've heard conflicting reports about whether or not parking lot stop signs are actually something you need to obey, but I heed them because there are too many stupid drivers out there who don't know the precise ballet that is parking lot etiquette. So there I am, camped at a parking lot stop sign, a two way stop, and an SUV is oncoming. The SUV has the right of way, it can just go on through the intersection, or turn, or fly away, or combust. Whatever, it's up to the driver because they have the right of way. Well, this idiot didn't do any of those things because apparently they flunked Eyes and Eye School, and they decided that the two way stop should be a four way stop. To make matters worse, this genius starts waving me through, and is getting annoyed at me because I'm not moving. After about 30 seconds of frantic waving the driver finally gets fed up and blows through the intersection. WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE DO THIS? This happens to me all the time. I'm at a two way stop, the oncoming car pulls to a stop and waves me through. Why? If I were a cop I would pull that person over and ticket them for not knowing a simple road rule. It's so so so irritating, but again I digress.

So after the genius driver pulls through the intersection, I pull through the stop and turn left into an aisle, and what should I see when I get there? A group of teenage girls and some adults standing in the middle of the fucking road talking with each other like it's an ice cream social, and once again, the entire group turns around, glares at me like I'm a child molester, and walks away slowly. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

So anyway, to these two separate groups of people and to the Einstein of stop signs, I have a bird on one hand and a Thumby on the other. Go fuck yourselves!

3. To Everyone In The World Right Now - Shut up. Seriously, just shut the hell up. I am tired of hearing your problems. You all think you're victims, that life is somehow slighting you, that everyone else should be feeding you grapes off a silver platter. I have news for you - shut the hell up. You're not mutually exclusive. You're not a target, a victim, and no one is slighting you. Everyone has problems. Today people lost jobs. Today people lost someone they love. Today someone found out they were sick. Today someone found out they were going to lose a house, or a car, or a limb. The world is a long chain of suck and we're bound by it. Stop throwing yourself a pity party, stop trying to get other people to solve your problems because I guarantee you those other people have problems too. Above all, just do what I do. Suck it up, get out of bed, and get the fuck on with it. Until then, suck on this Thumby, leave me alone, and shut the hell up.